The spirit within me exists as an internal knowledge that is not necessarily preceded by information or cognition. It is the source of strength that provides everything I need. I do not want for anything, but I want everything that I have. This spirit provides peace for me in my life. I am never alone, the spirit never leaves me. Through the spirit anything is possible. It is because of the spirit that I no longer “want for anything”. I am not driven by “needing more”. The faith I have in this spirit lets me know that no matter what happens in life, I will still be okay. I refrain from saying “my spirit”, as that would imply ownership. I allow, and in fact have asked the spirit to live in me.
I have a pure form of love for the spirit. Because of that love, I do what I can to understand and receive direction from the spirit. My obedience to the spirit is a result of the love that I have, resulting in a prosperous life.
The spirit is perfect and infallible. As a human being, I am fallible and makes mistakes. If I could pray only one prayer for the rest of my life, it would be “God, give me the knowledge of your will for me in my life”. Any plan that I could create for my life could never be as good God’s plan for me. I cannot see into the future. The events of today are the foundation of tomorrow. If there is sadness or tragedy, I trust the spirit that my distress may be part of a master plan. My experiences are needed and serve a purpose for the future. It is not always for me to understand why something happens.

I began writing this in December of 2003. My husband of 14 years was also addicted to drugs and alcohol. He lost the battle, as he refused to surrender to the disease. His body was found 3 weeks after he took his own life. We had been seperated for exactly 30 days at the time. He addresses me from the other side. My wounded heart translates his final farewell. The details described below are an accurate unfolding of events...

ANGUISHED SOUL; SILENTLY SCREAMING
As my soul entered into the physical world it began to seek the desired poison.
You quickly learned; as did I, that perception becomes reality. My darling wife, it is a cruel world; is it not? I am an addict. You are an addict. Our souls originate from one.
You own my loyalty; you must never disagree with me.
My radiant heat comes from the temper within me.
I am rarely warm.
I have never tasted the salt of a fallen tear.
Never prejudiced; always dogmatic, opinionated, and spiteful.
My disease has overcome my strong and healthy body.
In my heart is the desire to be right with the world. I am afraid of rejection, but
feel that the whole world rejects me. I try to be what the world wants me to be. This is
an impossible task, because the world wants nothing from me. I am always trying to meet
expectations that aren’t really there. I become increasingly frustrated.
I absorb the poison.
I am emotionally removed.
You can see me, but I am so far away. My defenses and masks are seldom removed. When they are----my heart becomes one with yours. I am trapped. Engulfed. Through my eyes, you can see my anguished soul; silently screaming. I reach out my hand. I cannot feel your touch. Pray for my release. It is a terminal disease. It happened so slowly; but suddenly my life is over. Without regard for you, I remove myself from the world.
You did pray for me to be released from my pain…didn’t you?
As my death has been revealed to you, I can see the world crash down around you.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Continue to live. Cleanse your soul. Choose to recover. People in your life hold you close, yet you are alone with your suffering. I take you with me, yet you remain where I left you. Devastated; you wonder why I had to die alone.
Nature begins to decay my body. My final farewell (blood red in color) drips down the white wall beside me. I watch you gasp uncontrollably.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Continue to live.
A brass glimmer catches your eye. Gently you move the sacred blanket where my body and soul had finally found comfort. Although tarnished and tacky from natures process of decay, a small area of the cross shines brightly for you. As the cold heavy edges rest upon your fingers, I transcend toward you. The light exists in your heart. My defenses and masks are removed. My heart becomes one with yours. I can hear your anguished soul silently screaming. I am an addict. My soul has been poisoned.
Pain does not punish.
In order for you to live; you must think of me every day.
My actions are my lifelong gift to you.
You are an addict.
Your soul has been poisoned.
Choose to recover.

Tears were streaming down my mother’s face as she stood in front of me, “Daddy’s dead” she said and she moved to my little brother and repeated what she had just said to me. I was aware of what that meant. My father had explained it to me a couple years prior. I was sitting in the same big old chair in the living room where I had just received the news of his death. “Everyone dies someday” he said to me. I had cried for hours while he was at work that day. I remember my mother speaking with him on the phone . “She won’t stop crying, I can’t even get her to go to sleep.” Later that night he explained to me the best way he knew how to repair any damage to a four year old’s worried mind. “Sugar, you are going to be all grown up and taking care of yourself before anything like that happens to mommy or daddy. Nothing like that is going to happen for a very long time.”
His heart stopped when he had been grocery shopping that night with my mother. The car would not start and he was trying to evaluate the problem when he clutched his
chest. He died before the ambulance arrived. It did not seem like a long time even to a four year old, between the conversation with my father and the news of his death.
My grand mother and uncle arrived a few hours later and worked all night to pack the house and move us back to Maine with them. As he walked through the front door of the house, I said “Hi, uncle Bob”. He was our family comedian, easy going with a little bit of a belly and a quick smile. That day as he walked through the front door he gently kissed my forehead and said “Hi Reenie”. My nickname I had inherited from my little brother who tried to say Noreen and somehow only got the Reen part correct. He was on the phone a few minutes later at my father’s desk in the dining room of our home. I was standing beside him tugging on his shirt sleeve. “What day is today?” I never wanted to forget this day. I knew my life would change forever.
Technology advanced over the years and I began college. Without objection and at the urging of my family I chose Nursing as a course of study. I was in my last semester of school when introduced to cardiac nursing. I immediately knew that I wanted to specialize in this field. I understood it, liked it, and craved more of it. I finished school and began my career. One of the best feelings is putting the paddles on a technically dead person’s chest and with the burst of electrical energy bringing them back to the one’s they love. I am reminded of my own loss and what a wonderful thing it is to return to a loved one someone who was thought to be gone forever. For every successful resuscitation
I often think “This one’s for you Dad”. Being able to provide what was not provided for me is the biggest reward in my life.

Four years ago today, I thought my life was over. June 4th 2003, I didn't care if I lived or died. Almost to the minute on this day was my first night in a residential drug treatment facility. It was pouring down rain. Ever notice the correlation with rain and major life transition? It was like the dark sky opened up and tears fell freely. The best lesson I learned is that no matter how dark and desperate life may seem, we do not know what the future holds for us...Everything in my life is completely different. We do not hold the answers. I think about the people in my life now, that I did not know then. How much I love them, and vice-a-versa. As I sit here tonight I wonder and anticipate the people in my future. Did you know... that four years ago tonight it was pouring down rain?

I have been to place. I remain physically present with the verbal ability to communicate where I am. I continue talking. But I do not hear my voice. My eyes continue to blink, but the external surroundings are gone. My external surroundings are silent. I hear noise and I see the people in this other place and my memory totally recreates a scene from the distant past. Every word, every tactile sensation, every emotion, from the past is there and it's real.
Where is this place? It seems that it must be from within, brought forth by an external power. For this experience I am grateful. DH

How much of life is lost on what we are thinking about doing in the future, what we have done in the past, what we could be doing right now instead? Besides that, we are constantly bombarded by external stimuli (demanding of our attention). I would like to have an internal dial, so that interactions do not need to be diluted by everything else going on in life. I imagine how content I would be, to live in the moment. "Silence is Golden". I am going to work on this...me thinks. DH

I believe the soul is infinite. The spirit is good for a lifetime. It filters what the soul needs. Why am I fearful to say that I believe in reincarnation? Maybe because I have had the "clutch the pearls" reaction too many times. I am basically conservative in life and this idea even surprises me. I feel like I have lived before and will go on to live another life, and another...I just see God letting us go off into the world at birth, we find our way, and ultimately I think God waits for us to find our way back to him. In a way that makes us better and better every go around. There are no failures, just a varied amount of lessons to be learned.