I thought happiness was something that everyone could find. I looked for it desperately. Everywhere I went. In everyone I saw. In everything I did. I thought it was something that could be duplicated. I think back to my earliest years. I had such sadness in my heart. My being here and in this world did not feel right to me. Like it's just one big mistake (my being here). I didn't know where I had come from, but I wanted to go back. This whole "life thing" was not for me. I remember the first time that I saw Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on TV. He had landed on the Island of Misfit Toys. I wanted to go live with them on their island.

I sat in the circle of people, eyes closed, leaned my head back. I had nothing to say to God. Rather than say nothing, I directed my thoughts and made the only plea that I could think of, "If you exist, show me what to do, please help me." The strange thing about drugs. I wished that I wanted to stop. I wanted to want to stop. But I didn't want to stop. I stood up from the circle and I have been clean ever since.

So, yes, it's true...I am an RN and I am a drug abuser. I have been clean for quite some time now. The most alone and scared I ever felt was when I nearly stopped breathing. I knew at the time that I would probably never come so close to death again (without actually dying). I lay there barely breathing, thinking "I am going to die". This is not what scared me. I was scared because at that moment, I realized that I did not care. I honestly did not care. -DH (DynamicHope)