I thought happiness was something that everyone could find. I looked for it desperately. Everywhere I went. In everyone I saw. In everything I did. I thought it was something that could be duplicated. I think back to my earliest years. I had such sadness in my heart. My being here and in this world did not feel right to me. Like it's just one big mistake (my being here). I didn't know where I had come from, but I wanted to go back. This whole "life thing" was not for me. I remember the first time that I saw Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on TV. He had landed on the Island of Misfit Toys. I wanted to go live with them on their island.