I began writing this in December of 2003. My husband of 14 years was also addicted to drugs and alcohol. He lost the battle, as he refused to surrender to the disease. His body was found 3 weeks after he took his own life. We had been seperated for exactly 30 days at the time. He addresses me from the other side. My wounded heart translates his final farewell. The details described below are an accurate unfolding of events...

ANGUISHED SOUL; SILENTLY SCREAMING
As my soul entered into the physical world it began to seek the desired poison.
You quickly learned; as did I, that perception becomes reality. My darling wife, it is a cruel world; is it not? I am an addict. You are an addict. Our souls originate from one.
You own my loyalty; you must never disagree with me.
My radiant heat comes from the temper within me.
I am rarely warm.
I have never tasted the salt of a fallen tear.
Never prejudiced; always dogmatic, opinionated, and spiteful.
My disease has overcome my strong and healthy body.
In my heart is the desire to be right with the world. I am afraid of rejection, but
feel that the whole world rejects me. I try to be what the world wants me to be. This is
an impossible task, because the world wants nothing from me. I am always trying to meet
expectations that aren’t really there. I become increasingly frustrated.
I absorb the poison.
I am emotionally removed.
You can see me, but I am so far away. My defenses and masks are seldom removed. When they are----my heart becomes one with yours. I am trapped. Engulfed. Through my eyes, you can see my anguished soul; silently screaming. I reach out my hand. I cannot feel your touch. Pray for my release. It is a terminal disease. It happened so slowly; but suddenly my life is over. Without regard for you, I remove myself from the world.
You did pray for me to be released from my pain…didn’t you?
As my death has been revealed to you, I can see the world crash down around you.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Continue to live. Cleanse your soul. Choose to recover. People in your life hold you close, yet you are alone with your suffering. I take you with me, yet you remain where I left you. Devastated; you wonder why I had to die alone.
Nature begins to decay my body. My final farewell (blood red in color) drips down the white wall beside me. I watch you gasp uncontrollably.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Continue to live.
A brass glimmer catches your eye. Gently you move the sacred blanket where my body and soul had finally found comfort. Although tarnished and tacky from natures process of decay, a small area of the cross shines brightly for you. As the cold heavy edges rest upon your fingers, I transcend toward you. The light exists in your heart. My defenses and masks are removed. My heart becomes one with yours. I can hear your anguished soul silently screaming. I am an addict. My soul has been poisoned.
Pain does not punish.
In order for you to live; you must think of me every day.
My actions are my lifelong gift to you.
You are an addict.
Your soul has been poisoned.
Choose to recover.